There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
