There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
