a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
