Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
