Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
