I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
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I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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