everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
