remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
