I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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