I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
