Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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