I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
