Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Randomize
