What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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