i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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