ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
