i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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