Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
