My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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