so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
