What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
