When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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