Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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