Just fell off a train. Bad.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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