Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
