im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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