Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
