Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
