If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
