Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
