Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
