Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
