u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
