You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
