dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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