opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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