The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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