Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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