Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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