Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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