Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
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my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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