My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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