What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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