I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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