Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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