Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
