I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
