when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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