I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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