Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
