census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
