Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
