My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have feelings that need drinking.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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