just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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